Are you, by any chance, a bit of a perfectionist? You have high standards for yourself, yet struggle to acknowledge your achievements? If your answer is “Yes!”, or you know someone like that, then this is for you.
Perfectionism lies at the root of much unhappiness. Indeed, perfectionist attitudes often correlate with poor mental health such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders and even suicidal thoughts. Pablo Martinez, a Christian psychiatrist, writes about the ‘inner policeman’, a nagging voice telling us we’ve not done enough, or we’ve not done it right. When he gets the upper hand, we are in spiritual and psychological trouble.
Psychologists have identified three kinds of perfectionism (see The Perfection Trap, by Thomas Curran): First, outside pressure, like the Christian leader who feels that his congregation expect him to be a perfect example. The second is the pressure I create for myself, like the young man sobbing his heart out because he came second in a test at school. A toxic combination of these two are loose on social media, fuelling the doomed quest to look fabulous . Finally, there are those who pressurise others to be perfect, as one man said to me, “My genes loaded the gun, but my boss pulled the trigger”.
Some of the things that drive us are good, others are not. “There is a difference between neurotic (compulsive) perfectionism and the search for excellence”, writes Pablo Martinez, “The latter is related to spiritual maturity and seeks to please God, the former arises from insecurity and very much needs the approval of others”.
We should seek excellence. When Jesus said, “Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:28), that is what he meant. Think of a screwdriver. A perfect screwdriver is one that is right for the job. It feels nice in the hand and the blade fits the screw slots exactly. So, for the English word ‘perfect’, substitute the phrase ‘right for the job’.
We should avoid neurotic perfectionism. Paul writes of two kinds of sorrow in his second letter to the Corinthians (2 Corinthians 7:10). Let me paraphrase his teaching: “Godly sorrow: we perform badly, we learn some lessons, we bash on. That enhances life! Worldly sorrow: we perform badly, we enter a downward spiral of self-recrimination and guilt, we make ourselves ill. That’s death!”
We should tell ourselves every day that it’s OK to fail because we know the God who will always be delighted with his children, so you can repent and move on, here’s why:
Nothing you can do,
Could make him love you more.
And nothing that you’ve done,
Could make him close the door.
Because of his great love,
He gave his only son.
Everything was done so you would come.
Shortly after our second child was born, I went shopping. I was in a hurry, as usual, and my guts were in a knot, as usual. I had felt anxious since our first child and the feelings had tightened with the second. Rushing through W.H. Smiths a book caught my eye, it was called “The good enough parent”. One look at the title and the anxiety disappeared never to return. The penny had dropped; I was trying to be a perfect dad, and it was making me ill.
Cathie, my wife, put it in a nutshell, “You cannot be Christ, but you can be Christ-like”. Not perfect, but fit for purpose, that is my calling. I am free!